It was June 28th, 2018. My husband and I have two adorable little girls and we find out we’re pregnant and due March 2nd! We were excited and have no reason to believe this pregnancy would end in a miscarriage.
What happens when you find out you’re expecting? You immediately begin to plan out your future. Right away I was thinking things like: “We will finally need to get a van!”, “The girls will have to share a room”. I was so, so excited. Would we be adding a little boy to the mix or keep up the girl-trend?
The next day we left to go to West Virginia for a family reunion to celebrate my husband’s grandma’s Birthday! We threw around the idea of sharing our news with the family because everyone was there, but, since it was so early (I was thinking I was about 5 weeks along), we decided not to.
With the amount of people there it was really hard to get a moment alone with just his family so we were only able to tell his sister, just before we left. She was thrilled for us of course! About a week later we were able to tell the rest of his family, and of course mine too.
July 15th
We had a birthday party for our girls. Both of them have July Birthdays—the 15th and 17th! We had decided that once the party was over we’d tell a few close friends. They asked me how I was feeling and at that point, I was great! I was supposed to be about 7 weeks along. With my first pregnancy, morning sickness had kicked in right at 6 weeks, but with my second pregnancy not until 8 weeks. So, I was hoping that I was on the trend that maybe it wouldn’t set in for another few weeks, or maybe not at all!
Later that day I started spotting. At first, I panicked a little because even though I had spotted during my first pregnancy—and the doctors tell you it’s normal—no one wants it to happen. But, I figured it was probably fine and maybe due to the fact that I had been running around like a crazy woman with the party. I had spotted with my first pregnancy so I tried to just remember that everything was fine then.
July 16th
I woke up to more spotting and weird cramps. With my other pregnancies I had cramping, but this just felt different. I immediately called the doctor and spoke with the nurse. She was trying to assure me that this was normal and not to worry. I remember her saying to me, “Does that make you feel better?”. It didn’t. They let me make an appointment for later that day.
I kept telling myself all day that she was probably right and that I’m sure I’m overreacting. But, I couldn’t get the thought that I might be having a miscarriage to leave.
Our oldest had to be taken to the doctor that morning and found out she had a mild form of Hand Foot Mouth Disease. Talk about bad timing. My father-in-law watched our girls so that my husband could come with me. Honestly, we weren’t really expecting bad news. We both figured that we would probably just get to see an ultrasound of our baby.
The Appointment
I distinctly remember making jokes and laughing with the doctor right before he preformed the ultrasound. Clearly we weren’t expecting to hear what we did.
I’ve had these ultrasounds two times already. I know what a 7-week old baby looks like on ultrasound. As soon as I saw the screen my heart completely sunk. The circle—my uterus—where the baby was supposed to be was pretty much empty. I half expected him to move the wand around to find the baby, but there was nothing. He said to me,
I’m sorry, but it looks like the baby stopped growing at 5 weeks. You are miscarrying.”
He was kind and gentle. I remember looking at my husband in utter disbelief. I cried. He cried. We went to the doctor‘s office afterwords and he explained some things and answered some questions. I was really in total shock.
We got home and that’s when it really started to hit me.
My husband had pre-warned my Father-in-Law and when we got home I just completely broke down.
I remember us just holding each other crying.
The Pain
The emotional pain came immediately. But, the physical pain was something I didn’t quite expect. I really had no idea that I was going to experience labor-like cramping.
The physical pain is for a few days, but the emotional pain can last a long time. I am even having a hard time writing this blog post. I started writing this 6 months ago and I had to stop. The emotional pain was too raw, I couldn’t continue. So even now, two years later, thinking about the details of it all still brings deep sadness.
When we had spoken with the doctor he explained I had a missed miscarriage and that soon my body would begin the actual miscarriage process.
The next day it began. It was the saddest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I won’t get into intense details, but it truly was physically painful on top of the deep deep emotional pain.
The Grief
Miscarriage is a different type of grief. It’s grieving over hopes, plans and dreams as well as the sweet little life that was lost, though you weren’t able to meet them yet.
It’s wondering if you were having a little girl or boy.
It’s wondering if they finally got the Jamaican hair gene.
It’s wondering if they would’ve looked more like Daddy.
It’s wondering what life would’ve looked like with 3 kids.
It’s wondering why God would allow this to happen.
It’s wondering if you could’ve done something different to stop it.
It’s wondering how God will get glory in this.
It’s wondering when the deep-cutting pain will end.
It’s wondering when it’ll stop hurting so much
God’s Faithfulness
Even in that first week of actually miscarrying our baby, I saw God’s goodness and faithfulness in our lives. I saw it in the peace that he gave me that I know only could’ve come from him. I saw it in how he gave me a husband who grieved with me and loved on me during the hardest days. How my husband was able to take time off of work to be with me and help me with the kids. How I was able to connect with friends who had previously had miscarriages and how God so lovingly used their pain to help me through mine. How family and friends stepped in to help and serve.
If you’re reading this and you haven’t gone through one, or don’t know someone who has, I would love to encourage you on how to love on someone going through one. For me, the biggest hurt aside from the miscarriage itself was people ignoring me. If you feel uncomfortable, and don’t know what to say, the worst thing you can do is say nothing. Reach out, say that you’re so sorry and that you’re praying for them, or thinking of them. I promise, it’ll mean the world to them. Unfortunately this happened to me. I felt like they didn’t care and it just added to the pain.
I had multiple close friends who walked those first 2 weeks with me. Friends, who prayed over me, constantly were checking on me and asking how I was doing that day, that moment. Friends who brought food and sent flowers. Friends who shared Scripture with me.
Not everyone is a talker and everyone does grieve differently, but let your friend know you care and that you’re there for them.
If you don’t feel comfortable reaching out to someone you know, or you don’t know anyone who you feel could encourage you, please send me an email and I’d love to encourage you and help you navigate your pain and feelings.
The Triggers
I remember just desperately wanting to get out of the house after about a week. I needed more pads. So I went to the store and I nearly lost it right there in the pad isle. Just a few weeks before I was standing there in the exact same spot picking up a pregnancy test, and now here I was picking up pads because I was miscarrying.
A few weeks later, my sweet sweet friend told me she was expecting. We had been due one day apart with our youngest two and I couldn’t believe that she literally had my exact same due date once again, March 2nd. I was so happy for her, but so confused as to why God would allow us to be due the same day again, but allow me to miscarry. A few more weeks later and another friend announced they were pregnant. I was hoping to myself that they wouldn’t say March. I was so thrilled for them, but hearing March stung a little more.
I decided to have my hCg levels checked to make sure they were going down like normal because I didn’t want to have a D&C if possible. That was a werid mix of emotions. You want your body to get back to normal but it’s also weird hoping that at the same time.
When my due date came (even though by now I was pregnant again) and then my friend had her baby, it really caused some confusing emotions.
You Will Get Through It
The pain is raw and real, but I promise, in time, on the hardest days when it doesn’t feel like it will ever end, it does. God in his goodness and faithfulness brought us through that trial, and even brought us as husband and wife closer together.
If you’re reading this and you’re going through a miscarriage, or have had one and would like to talk to someone about it, please send me an email and I’d be happy to talk to you.
Love, Natalie
